Unabridged

2009-07-25T17:41:00.000-07:00

I'm so distressed over this matter that I'm forced to blog about it. And see, I really thought I'd quit blogging. And here I find myself again, writing these pointless things that would only bore another person to death. But honestly, what am I to do? I SERIOUSLY don't even know if I'm loved anymore. I'm too scared to ask. Why? I know that if the love were not MIA then that question would only bear down my loved one, which is definitely not what I want. And I don't even know what effects the question will have. It might even bend the love; if it's the itself. The other side will be offended, I may be considered clingy. It's just... I don't know. What. Man. Woman. Agh. I don't think I'm clingy. I'm just in need of some reassurance because lately all our conversations have gone horridly. We speak differently to each other, I can tell, you should be able to also. We rarely talk as is now anyway. And idk. I'm always getting some half-assed responses which are total conversation killers. And everytime something happens, or when I get disappointed a bit, the blame always gets turned around and I'm the one who ends up feeling bad and stressing over it. So, that's probably why I'm too scared to ask. I guess I'll mind my tounge, keep loving, and hopefully I see it some returned...soon. Anyway, writing this out actually helped me think clearer. I'm the different kind of blogger. I don't blog about my days. I don't dedicate blogs to people. I don't even expect or want people to read these. This is just... Well, I don't know. You know what? I don't even know. Sigh, everything said can go multiple directions. Lifes tough.

!

2009-06-21T19:40:00.000-07:00

Pre-Movie Night pictures are up on myspace. So if you came exceptionally early, then hoho for you. I obviously didn't take pictures during the movie night because that's dumb, so don't complain. Mmkay, thanks for those who came. Unexpectedly nice turnout. (=

You saved me yet again xtine.

2009-06-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

"You never ever gave up hope.''

1.

2009-06-17T23:06:00.000-07:00

I like how I sound so happy in my previous blog. I'm so fucking stupid.

Hey,

2009-06-17T12:00:00.000-07:00

Well, I'll admit; things haven't exactly been easy. Actually, they haven't been easy at all. Confusing, crushing, and whatever! You name it. However, that was just me being me. I thank you so much Christine Ton! I miss you Soul Sister. You are a LOT of help. So, regardless of things, I'm feeling POSITIVE today! Alright, huh?
Movie Night at my house this Saturday. I just got it all planned out! I had to do a lot of begging and bargaining, but I got a day set! I just started doing invitations last night, but most were asleep so I didn't get the chance to ask most people! However, here's my list so far, for those who were asking! I'm excited! This is my first time making a guest list...it's so fun! HAHA! Lame. Me. Okay, Bye! (=

Movie Night.

Jun -- Yes + Food/Drinks/Snacks
Robin -- Yes + Food/Drinks/Snacks
Subac -- Yes + Food/Drinks/Snacks
Kathy -- Yes
Lina -- Yes
Mimi -- Yes
Maivy -- Yes
RJ -- Yes
Sheila -- Yes
Sherry -- Yes
Christine -- Yes
Ray -- Yes
Jon -- Yes
Manuel -- Most Likely + Food/Drinks/Snacks
Marc -- Most Likely + Food/Drinks/Snacks
Jezzelle -- Most likely
Trisha -- Most Likely
Khuyen -- Most Likely
Jackie -- Most Likely
Khoi -- Maybe
Paul -- Maybe
Denise -- Maybe
Bonnie -- Maybe
JT -- Maybe
Jennifat - Maybe
Jomuckha -- Maybe
Grace -- Maybe
Anna -- Maybe
Hannah -- Maybe
Angie -- Maybe
Stephen -- No
Monique -- No

Zumiez Couch Tour 2009

2009-06-06T23:31:00.001-07:00

Smooth Operator

2009-06-06T09:38:00.001-07:00

How do you let someone know you're disappointed in them?
Whatever though, because I just remembered something.
"& I'm not going to be stupid enough to let this one go." What else can I say?

ANYWAY!
I finally decided to upload my mobile photos.

End.

2009-06-06T03:39:00.000-07:00

So after a very long, disappointing day, I had something to look forward to. I've been doing it almost every night for the past week or so... Well, it's basically what I look forward to each day. So today, I went out. I waited in the cold. Extreme cold of the 2 - 3am air. About an hour and 30 minutes, I waited outside. I was scared shitless by running cats, druggies, and police. And what did it lead to? More disappointment. This was all just one big let down. I was starting to get my hopes up again too.

Btw, Seniors, you'll be missed. 09' <3.

Naw,

2009-06-05T23:33:00.000-07:00

FUCK YOU.

This is my substitute for yelling, an outlet.

You don't know how down I am right now. Well, now you probably do. Even so, fuck it. Yeah, fuck it all and everything, and shit. Sorry. I don't prefer to use profane words in such a way, but my vocabulary isn't strong enough for me to intellectually release my anger. I suppose I do have the ability to, but I'm so fucking pissed off that those words aren't surfacing. All that comes up is "Man fuck this, fuck that, fuck fuck fuck." Alright. I'm done.

&The Four Seasons.

2009-06-04T18:40:00.000-07:00

Beggin'. Before I start, I just want to say: Frankie Valli, you make my day.

Random Thoughts:

Is it right?
Why?
Are you worthy of my trust, still?
What happened?
For srs, WHO are you now?

If you're too stupid to tell by now, life isn't exactly nice and peachy for me currently. Dad is back home too, he came at the worst possible moment. There are people that I can still consider 'close'. Most of the old ones have either faded, or I receive ill vibes from them. So I don't really know. The new ones are kindof' bothersome at times, but whatever. It's called adjusting, and adaptation; I suppose. Alright. Well, I'm extremely bummed out right now, so I'm going to end this now. I had a lot more planned, but now I don't even feel like writing.
A good word for the current me? Bummed; yeah. Distraught, totally.

2009-04-20T20:48:00.000-07:00

Well, Spring Break was nice while it lasted but it's over now. I'm attempting to bring back the B Building thing, and it seemed pretty successful. The energy everyone had, it was hahaha. I guess I'm not the only one who missed it. Although our endurance and abilities have diminished considerably, I could see everyone's spirit in it. I'd like to continue this, hah!
On another note, it seems to be the people who I've been depending on are no longer dependable. I suppose I'll have to find others to depend on. I already see likely candidates, and there are already new people I depend on, so I'm grateful for them.
"I suppose I'm just that kind of guy. I'll go with the flow, get over it, and find something else."
I thought they would, but I was quite wrong. I need someone to impact my life. Someone to REALLY rely on.

Break.

2009-04-13T23:49:00.001-07:00

You know, I never thought anyone ever really read my blogs. I rarely update them you know? Turns out I have some real friends though, hah! Thank you Thy, Monique, Friend. You're the best!
So lately, things have been different for the most part. Life, everything. It's all the same. The only thing keeping my head up this time is perspective. I have to greatly thank Dona Margarita for that. She opened my Asian eyes. Broadened my view. Life isn't going to change for you, so you have to change the way you see life. Perspective can't change everything though. No matter how I look at it; problems are still problems. My two bestfriends. I don't know, are they still bestfriends? I don't feel it anymore. We'll see, we're working on it. Dance, I'm getting back into it, as well as singing! I'm finally not sick anymore!
I may have lost a 'bestfriend' feeling touch to people, but it's really rubbing onto some others. I really, sincerly thank you guys for being there for me <3.
Anyway, thank you. All of you.

!!!

2009-04-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

I think I'm in love.

AIM.

2009-03-22T23:40:00.000-07:00

Thank you Khoi Duong, you're a true bro.

(11:00:04 PM) Ruudyyyy: There's just a lot of things I've done wrong in the past.
(11:00:15 PM) Ruudyyyy: Lot's of things I'm currently doing wrong in the present.
(11:00:21 PM) Ruudyyyy: Things I know I'm going to do wrong.
(11:00:24 PM) Ruudyyyy: Things I miss
(11:00:27 PM) Ruudyyyy: Days I miss.
(11:00:30 PM) Ruudyyyy: Friends I miss.

(11:14:20 PM) Ruudyyyy: At the end of these kind of days.
(11:14:24 PM) Ruudyyyy: I never feel good.
(11:14:33 PM) Ruudyyyy: Does that mean, I live a fucked up life?
(11:14:36 PM) Ruudyyyy: I mean,
(11:14:40 PM) Ruudyyyy: People should feel good
(11:14:42 PM) Ruudyyyy: At least a little
(11:14:46 PM) Ruudyyyy: When they think about their life.

(11:17:16 PM) Ruudyyyy: I basically want to die purposely on accident.
(11:17:18 PM) Ruudyyyy: LOL.
(11:17:32 PM) Ruudyyyy: It's taking the cowardly easy way out.
(11:17:33 PM) Ruudyyyy: Sure
(11:17:36 PM) Ruudyyyy: But I'm tired.
(11:17:42 PM) Ruudyyyy: Of everything,
(11:17:42 PM) KhoixFiSHie: tired?
(11:17:52 PM) Ruudyyyy: I know you're supposed to go through all this.
(11:17:56 PM) Ruudyyyy: And many go through much worse.
(11:17:57 PM) Ruudyyyy: Well,
(11:18:03 PM) Ruudyyyy: Maybe I'm weaker than the average person.
(11:18:06 PM) Ruudyyyy: Cause' I can't take it.

(11:24:46 PM) Ruudyyyy: Everything in life that brings you happiness.
(11:24:50 PM) Ruudyyyy: It's all momentarily.
(11:25:05 PM) Ruudyyyy: It's all the bad feelings that wash up after the happy hype has died down.
(11:25:18 PM) Ruudyyyy: It's like rust.
(11:25:23 PM) Ruudyyyy: It'll always be there.
(11:25:29 PM) Ruudyyyy: You can paint some pretty color over it.
(11:25:34 PM) Ruudyyyy: But that's momentarily also.
(11:25:40 PM) Ruudyyyy: It'll scratch or wear off.
(11:25:44 PM) Ruudyyyy: The rust will be there again.
(11:25:48 PM) Ruudyyyy: You can't wash it off.

(11:27:30 PM) KhoixFiSHie: i'm just marveling at how you thought about this so much
(11:27:45 PM) KhoixFiSHie: makes my endless nights thinking about this seem like day dreams
(11:27:46 PM) KhoixFiSHie: aha
(11:27:53 PM) KhoixFiSHie: i'm not one to talk about life and shit
(11:28:08 PM) KhoixFiSHie: i'm just the receiver, the shoulder to lean on, friend to talk to
(11:28:23 PM) KhoixFiSHie: i'm not really much help when it comes to trying to make you feel better
(11:28:29 PM) KhoixFiSHie: cuz i usually screw up that shit

(11:35:42 PM) Ruudyyyy: I can see my future actions on certain events/happenings in my life.
(11:35:49 PM) Ruudyyyy: Sometimes they'll be bad.
(11:35:54 PM) Ruudyyyy: I know I should stop myself.
(11:35:56 PM) Ruudyyyy: Do something else.
(11:35:58 PM) Ruudyyyy: But
(11:35:59 PM) Ruudyyyy: I don't.
(11:36:08 PM) Ruudyyyy: And because people will call me stupid,
(11:36:13 PM) Ruudyyyy: I will say I didn't see it coming.
(11:36:17 PM) Ruudyyyy: Does this happen to you?
(11:36:21 PM) Ruudyyyy: It happens to me quite often.
(11:36:32 PM) Ruudyyyy: Like, I SHOULD do something else; I really should.
(11:36:34 PM) Ruudyyyy: But I don't.
(11:36:38 PM) Ruudyyyy: Because I'm too weak to change.
(11:36:40 PM) Ruudyyyy: I want that
(11:36:51 PM) Ruudyyyy: Immediate, but temporary JOY.
(11:36:55 PM) Ruudyyyy: Which later brings stress.
(11:37:02 PM) Ruudyyyy: Instead of a constant content feeling.
(11:37:05 PM) Ruudyyyy: No Joy, but no stress.

(11:46:02 PM) Gimme A Smile 22: whether you realize it or not, you'll chnage and learn from the things you've done.& pshhh RUDYYY WIDJAJA nott strong? your'e the one and only one who can infect a whole buddy list and turn it ORANGE in a matter of minutes! you're one of a freaken kind!

We go deep. Roots to our problems.

Sup.

2009-03-22T20:18:00.000-07:00

Thanks, Marc.

Spring Break Plans:

-Complete list w/ Irene Ou.
-Hangout with Mike Ha-rd, Jezelle Cutia. (Vincent?)
-Rent out Bolt w/ Vy Mai.
-Jogging(Slow walk) w/ Sheila.
-'Easter Egg Hunt'. Reunion w/ Trisha, Sheila, Pamela, etc...
-Hangout w/ Denise Tan.
-SCARY MOVIE NIGHT.
+Marc Torcuato, Vincent Ngo, Denise Tan, Stephen Long, Karen Nguyen.
(Contact me if you would like to attend).

I'm getting really psyched about this Spring Break. So many plans. Please do not disappoint me, as everything else in my f'cked up life has.

-No more hassle, but I miss it quite a bit.

Tangled up in me.

2009-03-18T21:39:00.001-07:00

Exhausted. Like seriously, I don't know if I can take this anymore. Body. Mind. Heart. It's worn out. I've hit my limit, and I'm surely jumping past it.

On a lighter note, I can gladly say most of my 'drama' with people is over. I've learned to forgive, which has been really tough on me. It's all for the best though. I'm open to new things. I suppose this is maturing? Oh well, hrm. Since I rarely blog, I suppose I should put out a bunch of stuffers? Then again, I don't know.

I guess I can elaborate on previously touched topics, and perhaps open some new points of discussion. First off, Body. Incredibly long battle practices, plus my own dance practices on the side, and just my daily run-arounds. It's all taking a toll on me, and I don't even eat healthily or sleep normally to begin with. All that, and I've been ill for about two months now. Irritating.
Mind. Battle is killing my time, and I've been busting my booty to get things done. Life is whirling around me, and I wish I could pick out certain things to focus on, but life just doesn't work that way, and my brain is about to burst into a grillion pieces.
Heart. Something I don't wish to elaborate on, but my friends just don't seem to...Well, I just don't see them the same way anymore because of a few factors. Apparently they don't see me in the same way either. It's crushing, really.

No bonus today. Like I've said, I'm completely drained of time, so this is as far as I can take it. I wish to elaborate more on some other topics, but I guess we'll have to see the next time I feel like blogging, yes?

Drama.

2009-02-09T17:42:00.000-08:00

Yeah, that's the perfect fitting word. It has just been shooting into my life like crazy lately, and this past week or so I've experienced all levels of sadness and anger. Where is my happiness? It's lost. I also feel empty. Screw life.
I feel like a dick.
I am a dick.
Someone else is a dick too. Screw him.

Middle of Nowhere

2009-02-05T20:10:00.001-08:00

Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere.
I don't know why but the song has just been reaching out to me lately. Yeah, it came on my Itunes again, and gah; It pierced straight to me, so I just had to post a blog about it. (:

Re-Use.

2009-02-04T19:26:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so I'm jumping back to this blog. I had another blog earlier, how many of you knew about it? Not many, I'm guessing, haha.

Anyway, life's been ...okay. Well, not-so-okay lately, actually. You know why? My dad is here, only for a week. Still, that's a long time when he's here. He's already made my life a living hell. I attempt to put on a happy front at school, and I think I do pretty well. Except I slipped during 6th period today. I got thinking about it too much and egh, I couldn't be my normal self. Matt and Jackie were asking if I was okay, and YECK! Whatever, yeah. I cried during dinner last night. Lame-oh, right? Whatevers. Life well get better for us, right Sherry?